Okay, this is a really tough situation, and you're right to recognize the severity of what you've done. It's good that you're acknowledging the harm and wanting to get help. Here's a breakdown of the situation, what you've expressed, and some thoughts on moving forward. I'll try to be thorough and compassionate, but also realistic. This is a long response, as it's a complex issue.
Understanding What Happened (and Why It's So Harmful)
You engaged in a significant and prolonged deception, fabricating a pregnancy, birth story, and related events. This wasn't a momentary lapse in judgment; it was a sustained act that involved manipulating people's emotions and trust. Here's why this is so damaging:
* Breach of Trust: You've fundamentally broken the trust of your family and friends. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and rebuilding it will be incredibly challenging.
* Emotional Harm: People invested emotionally in your "pregnancy." They experienced joy, excitement, and offered support based on a lie. Now they're likely feeling betrayed, hurt, confused, and angry. Their feelings are valid.
* Financial Loss: People spent significant money on gifts, and in some cases, considerable amounts (like the €1,150 pram). This adds a layer of financial harm to the emotional distress.
* Manipulation: You actively manipulated others into believing something that wasn't true. this is a form of control and can be deeply damaging to their sense of reality.
* The "Dad" and His Family: You specifically acknowledged harming them by portraying them negatively, which is a especially cruel aspect of the deception.
* The Doll: Using a doll as a prop in this deception is unsettling and adds to the complexity of the situation. It suggests a deeper need for something that was being filled by the fabrication.
However, an apology is only the first step. It's important to understand that "sorry" *won't fix everything, and you're right to recognize that. Actions will speak louder than words.
Why Did This Happen? (Exploring Underlying Issues)
You mentioned not having a proper excuse and being in a "not good headspace." this is where deeper exploration is needed.Here are some potential underlying factors (these are possibilities, and a professional would need to assess this):
* attention-Seeking: A strong desire for attention and validation, perhaps stemming from feelings of inadequacy or loneliness.
* Emotional Void: A feeling of emptiness or lack of fulfillment in your life that you were trying to fill with the attention and emotional investment from others.
* Fantasy and Escapism: A tendency to create elaborate fantasies as a way to cope with difficult emotions or a dissatisfying reality.
* Mental Health Concerns: Underlying mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, or personality disorders could contribute to this type of behavior. (This is not a diagnosis, just a possibility.)
* Trauma: Past trauma can sometimes manifest in complex and destructive ways.
* Difficulty with boundaries: A lack of healthy boundaries and an inability to regulate your own emotions.
* Compulsive Behavior: You mentioned not knowing how to stop onc you started, which suggests a possible compulsive element.
What Now? (Steps Towards Healing and Repair)
This will be a long and difficult process. Here's a roadmap:
* Understand the underlying reasons for your actions.
* Develop coping mechanisms for difficult emotions.* Address any potential mental health concerns.
* Learn to build healthy relationships based on honesty and trust.
* Develop strategies to prevent this from happening again