Donald Trump listens at a state dinner in Lusail, Qatar. REUTERS/Brian Snyder
Dear Americans who need my incredible strength even more than I do right now,
After the terrific and fanatical success of the Very Important Letter that I wrote to you exclusively using only my right hand last week, I was urged by Stephen Miller and those who are almost as close to me in my family, to write another letter to you this week.
You are welcome in advance for accepting the request, even if I would rather be on the golf course tackling our nation's most distressing problems with an 8-iron.
Just so you know, I will be using my right hand to write this ponderous, beautiful letter again this week, even though I am very anti-dextrous and easily could have written it with my left hand.
Thank you for your understanding, and you are welcome in advance for being allowed to think about this breathtaking issue I am facing.
Before I write about incredibly important things today, I want to clear something up so that there is no confusion in the future -- that is, if there even is a future ...
Many of you contacted me to ask why I didn't use my right hand to write "Thank you for your attention to this matter" in my Very Important Letter last week. Well, I only write "Thank you for your attention to this matter" when I am writing inconceivable warnings on my Truth Social account, which is free to everybody who agrees with me on everything.
I hope this clears up all the confusion, and you never ask me about this again, because I have enough on my plates.
So let's get right down to what I know has been on your minds as we come off a week which saw everybody getting richer thanks to my implausible tariffs, gasoline dropping to 99 sense a gallon, and horrible dog and cat eating colored people being rounded up by the brave men of ICE to keep you all safe in your quiet suburbs.
No wonder I was just informed by Stephen that my sensational approvals just reached an unheard of 80 percent. Not even George Jefferson had ratings that high and he was the father of our country.
You're welcome.
Anyway, incredibly average citizens, the rumors are true, I will be sitting down with Vlad in Alaska this week, and most likely Friday, though this could change, depending on what happens with the Epstein Files which never seem to go away.
In fact, forget I even mentioned that. There are no Epstein Files. Well, maybe a few, but I had nothing to do with them or Epstein, and never met him except for once or twice, or maybe three times.
Four times max.
When he started stealing my girls, I put my incredibly big, size 15 left foot down, and kicked him out of my spa at Mar-a-Lago, home to the thinnest broads and fattest steaks in America. That was the last I saw of him or my girls. And that's the last thing I will say about the Epstein Files.
Now where was I?
Oh yeah, up on the White House roof. Actually, that was the other day, so forget about that, too. Nobody knows why I was up there screaming at people from that roof except for me, which makes it top secret and irrefutable. The view is really something, though.
So let's talk about this meeting I may or may not have with Vlad on Friday or one of the other five days of the week, depending on what happens with the Epstein Files, which I really won't be mentioning anymore in this Very Important Letter.
But why won't they JUST GO AWAY????? WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY LIKE BILL BARR JUST KILL THEM????
Sorry, I lost my exposure ... But as you know all this has been very, very unfair to me. How am I supposed to keep colored people out of the suburbs, and bring down the prices of everything when I am being hounded about something I already forgot about, and had nothing to do with?!
OK, that really is the last I'll say about this, even though I have a lot more to say about this. And just so you know, those girls weren't THAT young. Anybody could make a mistake ... Ivanka always looked a lot older than she really was. I blame her first mother for that, whatever her name was -- the old blonde we buried underneath the first hole of my beloved golf course in that safe. Anyway, Ivanka. But I mean look at her now. All grown up ... blonde ... legs that seem to go on forever ...
Anyway, forget I mentioned that, too, if it's possible.
Now let's focus on Alaska.
Even though my vital intelligence tells me Vlad wants Alaska back, I fully intend to hold onto it no matter how much pressure he puts on me to give it up. That's why I invited him to Alaska in the first place, so I can stand there like a powerful iceberg and defend it.
Even if I'm not sure I really want to ...
It has always surprised me that no other president has used any of our states as bargaining chips. I mean, who really needs 50 states? Do we need three Dakotas and four Carolinas? What if I was to trade him Alaska for Germany? Think of this. We'd get Volkswagens and strudels, and he'd get a bunch of Eskimos, Lisa Murkowski, and snow.
Again, I am not going to do this, but you'd have to be crazy not to at least entertain the terrific idea.
And because I'm a master-state chess player, I also imagine Ukraine might just come up in these powerful discussions. You never know with Vlad. He's very clever, but I'll be ready for that, too.
Now king me.
You have my ironclad promise I will not be trading Alaska for Ukraine. I'd like to hold onto both, unless maybe I can get him to throw in France. So he gets Alaska and we get France, Germany and the Ukraine, which I really don't even want. You have to admit, that would be quite a deal, folks.
But we'll see how it goes.
Friday is a long way off, and I have many, many things I want to accomplish before then, like redecorating the master bedroom in the White House. As you know, I have already gotten rid of the roses in that stupid garden RFKJ's family planted. I have installed a patio on top of them just like we have at Mar-a-Lago. We are currently offering gold-plated crypto memberships to the new patio to the first 10 billionaires who apply. But these are going quickly so please act now.
And speaking of RFKJ, how about that incredible work he did this week getting rid of those terrible vaccines and saving me $500 million that I can now spend on renovating the White House?
Just more terrific things that were accomplished while I was wandering around on the roof hollering at people and admiring that memorial. You never know what's going to happen each day while I'm running America. I can tell you, I certainly don't.
But you're welcome for all of it.