This week I am departing from my usual adventure tales of gopher hunting and tourist mishaps to provide a public service and to solve wine mysteries.
Somewhere in the world tonight there will be a fancy event. Maybe it's a wine auction or a gala for the ballet or symphony. Any of these events will be full of beautiful people all decked out in formal wear chitchatting about philanthropy. No doubt, champagne and expensive wine will be served.
And at this gala will be a woman, wearing a couture gown, graciously greeting others with a welcoming smile and a "So glad to see you" hello. But those whom she greets can't help but notice that in spite of all the makeup and lipstick, her teeth are purple. The red wine she has been drinking has clung to her teeth like frost on your windshield. Her husband, decked out in a tuxedo, is standing beside her with a handsome smile. Although both probably go to the same dentist and brush their teeth with the same toothpaste, his teeth remain pearly white. Not a stain to be seen. I have often wondered about this mysterious phenomenon while trying not to look at purple teeth and I now have an answer.
Assuming that everyone takes care to brush, the reasons behind purple teeth are mostly genetic. The natural porosity of your teeth enamel is the big reason. Porous teeth enamel traps pigments from the wine which can also explain the spectrum of stains from light pink to deep purple. And even the acidity of your saliva. Your saliva can add to your red smile too. The more acidic your saliva, the more prone you are to staining.
Take heart. There are some cures that are based in science and what my friend in a tasting room told me about to get those pearly whites back.
First, brush your teeth right away, and do it with a whitening agent in the toothpaste. It may seem like common sense but it is reassuring to know the stains are not permanent. But you may not have a place for the toothbrush and toothpaste in you gown. If that is the case, go for the cheese.
Cheese can save your teeth from the shame of wine stains. The calcium in cheese creates a protective layer on your teeth, warding off those pesky stains. Plus, it's a great excuse to chow down. Wine and cheese, a solution to most maladies I have found.
If no toothbrush is handy and you are lactose-intolerant, there is still purple removal hope. After every sip of wine, take a swig of water and swish it around your mouth. Not only will this keep you hydrated, but it will also help rinse away potential stains before they set in.
Some say the best way to deal with wine stains is to prevent them by using a straw. That would be very weird and I don't recommend it. Shifting to white wine is a better option.
As if red stained teeth weren't enough, I've learned that some wine people suffer from sneezing after a sip or two. The affliction can be caused by a histamine intolerance, an allergic reaction to sulfites, or spotting your ex with a new partner in the tasting room. Sneezing into your wine glass means you need to pick and choose your wine so that your allergies aren't triggered.
Between purple teeth and sneezing, for some people drinking red wine is a mine field of issues for the wine lover. I hope that the people who sneeze and the people with purple teeth are different tribes. That combination might be enough to give wine drinking a pause. Never mind, the white wine menu is waiting to be explored.